The Balance Between Love and money – Auza Moses
While there’s still tremendous poverty in the world, global living standards have increased significantly. So in really poor areas, we see scenario were money can buy romantic loyalty, even if it’s not out of true love. You must have heard people say you need money as much you need emotional maturity and intelligence in a relationship, and until you can afford these, you probably shouldn’t be dating. You must have heard people say there’s no love without finance, and that when you have no money, you have no honey. The big question can a girl love genuinely even when finance is not involved? Patiently stroll along with me in this article as I bring you answers to this big question.
Why has the matter of lack of money or finance crippled many relationships in our society today? This is simply because deep down, most relationships are still transactional in nature. Money buys you attention, but not affection. That is to say, you stand a very high chance of getting someone to love you when you are financially ok and if you are not financially ok, all your abundance of emotions and good traits may not count for much. Apart from the fact that relationships are largely transactional in these parts of the world, another gospel truth that every guy would need to wrap their heads around is that there is no relationship that’s free.
Relationships are not meant to solely be about what money can buy, they are not supposed to bleed you dry and they are not meant to wreck your credit or drain you financially, however the truth still remains you cannot do love in this century without having to actually spend money, whether you are a man or a woman. Love, even in its purest, truest and most genuine form is kinda hinged on sharing and giving gifts and spending quality time on dates among other things. And there is no way you are going to do these without spending.
Whenever the operation of money in relationships is spoken of these days, a lot of attention is paid on women and how they need to participate more regularly and spend money on men too. This conversation that talks about ladies too participating in regularly spending money on men too is largely triggered the people who belittles transactional relationships as mentioned above, and the need to reduce or completely phase out the occurrences of transactional relationships. However, taking away the transactional nature of relationships will still not excuse you, man, from spending on your woman. Neither will it excuse you, woman, from doing the same. Both parties needs to do so gladly, happily and freely without being asked to. Random gifts for her or him, especially if her/his love language is getting gifts; occasionally making a grand show of your love to her/him and basically just spoiling her/him as your financial strengths permit. In John 3:16
“For God so loved the world that he gave…..”
The proof of love is giving, the truth is that you cannot love without giving. In a relationship when you don’t give, you already have declared yourself a stingy person. This is why you should consider not pursuing a relationship when you have no source of income. Really, love is quite difficult to prove when you’re very broke.
In this same vein, it should also be stated that dating within your financial bracket is a thing to come to terms with and every guy needs to acknowledge this. Date someone that won’t require you to over-flex your financial muscle. You also need to date someone who strives for financial freedom and pursues financial success of her own. The scripture tells about the virtuous woman in proverbs 31: 14, 24
“She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.” (KJV)
“She is like the trading-ships, getting food from far away” (BBE)
“She makes linen robes and gets a price for them, and traders take her cloth bands for a price” (BBE)
A virtuous woman is not lazy, she is hard working, such a lady hardly feel entitled to your money and would relate to your money with an appreciation of your effort instead of a misplaced sense of entitlement.
The balance between Money and Love in a relationship
In a relationship, if you are to become an effective gift giver, you may have to change your attitude about money. Each of us has an individualized perception of the purposes of money, and we have various emotions associated with spending it. For example some of us have a spending orientation. We feel good about ourselves when we are spending money. Others have a saving and investing perspective. We feel good about ourselves when we are saving money and investing it wisely.
If you are a spender, you will have little difficulty purchasing gifts for your partner; but if you are a saver, you will experience emotional resistance to the idea of spending money as an expression of love. As a saver you don’t purchase things for yourself, so why should you purchase things for your lover? But that attitude fails to recognize that you are purchasing things for yourself. The truth is, if you love her you will give because the proof of love is giving.
By saving and investing money you are purchasing self-worth and emotional security. You are caring for your own emotional needs in the way you handle money. What you are not doing is meeting the emotional needs of your partner. If you discover that your partner’s primary love language is receiving gifts, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing gifts for him or her is the best investment you can make.
You are investing in your relationship and filling your partner’s emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a language you will understand and this mutual understanding will service the relationship and keep it running smoothly. When both persons’ emotional needs are met, your relationship will take on a whole new dimension. Don’t worry about your savings. You will always be a saver, but to invest in loving your partner is to invest in blue-chip stocks.
My counsel for men
When you’re trying to impress a woman with money, what are you conveying? You’re telling her that your primary value is what you can offer. You’re showing her that your real assets are…your assets. Not you. And the fact that you give up those assets so readily to someone you barely know tells her you don’t really value yourself. You are desperate. Because any man who has worked hard for his money wouldn’t give it up so frivolously.
Maybe you’re still trying to justify spending your money on women. Maybe you have a lot of money and it’s not a big deal to part with some of it. You just want to be a generous, nice person to a woman who may not be as fortunate. As many of you guys who makes such claims, I challenge you today that you have ulterior motives. Deep down, you’re trying to manipulate a woman into liking you. You’re not as innocent and charitable as you think. Just think: you probably don’t do this with other people in your life (especially the ones you don’t want to sleep with). If you really want to be generous, think of the people who have cared for you and invested in you for years. Don’t they need your support? Couldn’t your friends and family get some help? Aren’t there charities you should care about? Who could really use that aid? So the fact that you’d rather spend your money on a woman you don’t even know tells me you’re not doing it out of the kindness of your heart.
Secondly placing yourself as a financial provider first in a relationship, you’re likely to attract women who value money over genuine love or relationship. These are women who care most about living a lavish lifestyle. They will pretend to be interested in you as long as they get that monetary value. This in a long run is a challenge because you’re also setting her up to consistently expect that kind of spending because that’s what she wants out of the relationship. You’ll have to keep financing her lifestyle as long as you’re together. These types of women use sex as a bargaining chip, threaten to leave, and cause endless drama. When you find all these traces in a woman hanging around you, you need no prophet to tell you she is not interested in you but your money, I pray you receive sense to flee from such ladies or else you’re going to run out of money or your woman is going to find a man who she’s both attracted to as a person and/or has money. When you have nothing left to offer, there’s no reason for her to stay.
If you want to date a woman (for real) or find a long-term healthy relationship, you have to offer your personality as your primary value. Focus on building a connection by listening well and being an engaging conversationalist. Show her your courage being a more assertive leader. Let her recognize your financial status passively. She can learn about it when you tell her about your career. She can see it in your car, your clothes, or when you invite her back to your place. She can even feel it in the way you carry yourself. That way, she sees your potential as a provider without it being the ONLY thing you have to offer. You’re showing you have self-worth not trying to win her over with your money. This doesn’t mean you have to be a cheapskate. You can pay for a drink or a meal on a date. You can pay for her transport fare when she visits, you get her gifts she loves. But you shouldn’t be doing anything extravagant during the first few dates with a woman you’re serious about. You can invest your money in her if she shows you interest, vulnerability, and emotional connection or intimacy. Give yourself time to see if you connect to who she really is, especially after the initial infatuation wears off. And even then, I would caution being the man who constantly spoils his partner. You should balance being fiscally responsible with indulgence. Because if you don’t value your money, why should she? Once she sees you as an ATM, you’ll never be the man of her dreams.
My counsel for Ladies
“Many are the purpose in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”. Proverbs 19:21
Ladies, I want you to understand that what really matters is purpose and not money. Entering a healthy relationship with a purpose and not money driven is very important. And in answering the question of purpose in your relationship, you must address three basic issue. First the question of “identity”: who am I in this relationship? The second is “importance”: Do I matter in this relationship? The third is “Impact”: what is my place in this relationship. The answers to these questions are found in God’s purpose for your life. If you can answer these questions I guarantee you will enter into purposeful relationship and not money driven relationship.
Proverbs 17: 24 told us “an intelligent person aims at wise action, but a fool starts off in many directions” (TEV)
Be wise enough to serve the purpose of God in your relationship and not yourself, greed or appetite. Now that you know all these things you will be blessed if you do them.
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